naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Dicks are not precious.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
