i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
