Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
