i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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