My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
