Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
