yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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