It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
