Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
