were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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