I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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