Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
