my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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