if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
