I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
