It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
