New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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