Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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