Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
