Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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