the condom got lost in my hair
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
