I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
