you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
