My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
