i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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