Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
