im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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