if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
