did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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