just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
