Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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