Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
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