I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
