Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
