I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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