# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
