I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
