I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
