$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
