I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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