Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
In other news, I just burned my penis
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
