I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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