this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
