Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
