saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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