dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
