My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
