he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
