Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
