im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
