someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
