I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
